The beginning of the end is usually the hardest part of the relationship. When she breaks up, it’s hard, but simple: Her room for maneuver tends towards zero. But when you are dissatisfied, you have to act, hurt the woman you may still be very fond of. That means you need guts and empathy. Just run away, stop calling, move out dust-free, that’s not the kind of gentleman. On the contrary, that includes self-control: break up with her personally , be honest, no sex with the ex and so on.
How do you keep breaking up fair?
“By showing the other through your actions that you respect them,” says the organizational coach Mathias Voelchert from Munich, who advises family businesses in separation situations. “The yardstick for this is the question: Will my behavior harm one of us now or later?”
These minimum requirements apply to the man of honor:
- Be honest with her.
- Say it in person.
Telephone, SMS, email or letter are not suitable. Stand by your decision. Indifferent behavior only complicates the separation and incites hatred. In the worst case scenario, your car paint, reputation, or pet will suffer.
It would also be unfair to treat the partner badly until she has no choice but to break up herself out of self-protection. Some think this will keep them clean, but the responsibility remains. Others behave like a villain with the assumption “Then it will be easier for the woman, because then she can finally hate me”. The catch is that these women will no longer trust a man. Remember: It will also be easier for you if the lady can love someone again more quickly. Then you are rid of the responsibility.
The basic rules for breaking up depend on the duration of the relationship
After a date: You have spent a nice few hours, but you don’t want more of it? “Even after just one date, you should give a little feedback,” advises Ferdinand Krieg, couples therapist from Berlin. A text message is enough: “Thank you for the nice evening, but unfortunately that won’t work for us.” Your date now knows what it is – and you save yourself annoying calls.
After 3 days: was it just a nice weekend? If you honestly admit that now, this cut won’t leave any deep scars.
After 3 weeks: One date has turned into a few more. Now it’s getting serious, but not with you. But remember: “The woman has already developed a certain bond, she may even have fallen in love,” says Krieg. Make it clear that you don’t want a relationship with her – and why. You can do without the quick cancellation by SMS. A phone call, or rather a personal conversation, is a must.
After 3 months: They have become a couple, but viewed soberly, the apparent dream woman turns out to be a failure. The relationship coach: “After about 3 months, the first phase of being in love is over.” “Nevertheless, the soon-to-be ex has become part of your life. She deserves you to end the relationship in a face-to-face meeting. Ideal: a neutral place with enough retreat for both. You should be able to speak undisturbed. What is not possible: withdraw and avoid questions until she notices that you want to end it. After all, you’re a man, not a coward.
After a year: You have shared a table and bed for more than a year, maybe you live together. Think carefully about whether you really want to break up. Once the idea is on the table, you’ve already destroyed something. Carefully considered? OK. The separation is a process: several discussions are often necessary. Avoid blaming her. Talk about yourself and your feelings. Also, listen to their perspective – you can learn a lot from a breakup for your next relationship. If you have the impulse to do anything to help after the breakup, feel free to ask. But they should accept a “no” from their ex-partner.
After 3 years: a long time, many things in common: apartment, pet and friends. Don’t talk about it at home – too much connects you there. Speak honestly about everything. Maybe a temporary separation makes sense. However, when love is gone, only parting will help forever.
After an eternity: They got married, shared accounts, an apartment, possibly children. “The separation takes place on different levels,” explains Krieg ( www.einzelundpaartherapie.de ). Many conversations are necessary. They split up as lovers, but also as homeowners, business communities, parents. Ideally, the levels don’t mix. The arguments in your relationship have no place in the question of the division of your property. Can’t you make it? Perhaps you can get professional support in a separation counseling from a therapist.
Breaking up step by step: How to prepare for the breakup
Short-circuit reactions only hurt both parties involved. This is how you prepare your relationship end step by step
Step 1 : “You should be absolutely sure that you cannot go on like this,” explains Mathias Voelchert. “Sort out your feelings: most of it is drama – but what is real makes you feel clear and free from doubt.” If you are unsure of what you are doing, check your relationship: If fewer than six of the following are true, think about a clear cut:
- Sex with her used to be great and playful. I think it will be fine.
- Every now and then she surprises me with a nice action. She’s great at that.
- We spend a nice evening for two at least once a week.
- If she criticizes me, it’s never really in front of other people.
- Our idea of future life is quite similar, definitely compatible.
- I was really in love with her at the beginning.
- A few of her friends have now also become mine – and vice versa.
- I don’t think about separation when arguing.
- She understands my humor.
- I am loyal to her. And I think she is too.
Step 2 : Go into the separation interview emotionally prepared. And put on a painless farewell – there is no such thing. You bring your partner one of the bitterest hurts of your life. “There is an injury, and unfortunately there are no tricks how to avoid it,” says psychotherapist Dr. Doris Wolf from Mannheim. “It is only easier if your partner is at the same point as you. However, that is rarely the case.” Doris Wolf describes in her book “Wenn der Partner geht” (Pal-Verlag) phases of love death: First of all, the world of the still-and-yet-no-longer-lovers breaks up. Prepare for heartbreaking scenes because after all, you are loved.
Step 3 : Make a commitment to stay solid as a rock for the emotional storm. You can assume that the other side will use all emotional violence to change your mind.
- Yes, you want to go
- No, it’s not just a period of uncertainty
- Yes, it is final
- No, you don’t think that a short break is enough. If you pass out, you’ll add another painful chapter to your failed relationship
What is the appropriate place for separation?
Hopefully you know yourself that you shouldn’t end your relationship in front of an audience. There is no perfect place for an emotional disaster. At home you can talk undisturbed and the girl can let herself go a little. Your own apartment is no good, because you cannot retreat there (when the first flood of tears subsides). In public, such as in a café, you may escape a mega-scene, but that’s cowardly.
Another no-go zone is a place that you associated with something beautiful during the relationship, because that is how you destroy positive memories. And: “Under no circumstances in bed, possibly after you slept together,” explains Doris Wolf, “that is impossible.” This makes the partner feel exploited. Instead, the psychotherapist suggests a walk in the forest: “There are two of you alone, and the movement relieves a little tension. Besides, you don’t sit rigidly across from each other and look at each other, but both look forward.” And please don’t forget the handkerchiefs!
This is how you actually complete the separation
Show that you are a man of words and deeds, even in difficult times. Say that the two of you can’t go on. That the good feeling is gone. Without hatred, without anger – calm and determined. “There is nothing more than that,” explains Doris Wolf, “do not construct reasons.” Anyone who tries to explain what cannot be explained can easily become entangled in the superficial or start to blame.
Do you need to console?
No. You’re the last to do it. Third parties have to comfort. “Give the partner time and space to deal with the shock,” recommends Voelchert. Simply say how sorry you are. The only thing else you can do is reassure her that she is a lovable person, that it was good and beautiful.
Do you mention the new one?
Even if it hurts you and the betrayed: Tell about the new one – without raving about it. It would only hurt her more if she found out about it.
What to do if she goes nuts
If the disappointed one starts blackmail attempts or makes plans to commit suicide, she wants to provoke feelings of guilt in order to force you to come to her. There is no point in staying on time because it does not change your emotional state. But you should definitely get a backup: “Switch on your best friend, call friends and tell them that she is feeling bad,” advises Doris Wolf.
What if she keeps calling after the breakup?
Then she hasn’t let go yet. Hope drives her to you, but the injured person will only continue to hurt. Help those who suffer by not helping – not with the broken car and not with the Ikea shelf that has not been assembled. “Do not use your ex-girlfriend’s services either,” recommends Doris Wolf. You don’t want the former to think “He still needs me”.
Should you stay friends?
Doris Wolf says: “Turning love into friendship is sometimes, not always, and certainly not immediately.” Initially, at every meeting, the lady will try to win you back or to prove how great she is. According to therapist Wolf, after a long relationship, you have to wait about a year before you can become friends.
These are no-gos when breaking up: no words for a breakup
You should save yourself these 5 sentences when breaking up. Because they only make everything more difficult – and you become the king of platitudes
“Oh, please don’t cry now.”
Can you control your tear flow? You see. After all, when should a person cry if not in this situation? And above all: why should she make it easy for you of all people when you are causing her pain? You have to go through that now.
“I don’t know why it’s over either.”
Then how can you be sure that the breakup is even right? Say clearly, “I don’t love you anymore.” That is one reason.
“I just need more freedom.”
Honestly, this is not about your freedom, but about your happiness.
“I’m not ready for a permanent partnership yet.”
Well, you could have thought about that earlier. It would be more honest: “I don’t want to be responsible for a solid partnership.”
“I’m not good enough for you.”
Fishing for compliments? That’s silly in the situation. And lied.
Conclusion: The relationship is over, life goes on
Break up with no hate, no anger. Talk to her calmly and firmly. And give her the time and space to deal with the shock. Very important: if you are honest, you too could use a little consolation now, neither the decision nor the implementation were easy. Something came to an end that was part of you too, a chapter in your life. Dispose of relationship garbage, internally and externally (in the apartment). The relationship is over – but life goes on.